god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
