then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
