Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
