my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
