Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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