so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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