I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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