I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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