My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
