im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
