If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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