Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
