I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
