I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
