Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
