Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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