i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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