The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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