I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
handjob tips. give me some.
the day after is always just damage control
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
