I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
