Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
