I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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