How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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