just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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