I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
