Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
