i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
