I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
