His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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