I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
