ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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