i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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