I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
