You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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