woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
