I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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