apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
