So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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