Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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