my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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