she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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