i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
