do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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