No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
