he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
