Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
