dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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