remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
