Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
