Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
