Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
