new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
