I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
