I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
