My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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