So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sorry my hands just texted you
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
