Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
