My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
