I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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