On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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