a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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