my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
