my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
