I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
