oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
