I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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