You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
