in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
